Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Mari Belajar Sastera

Manis seperti madu. Pahit seperti hempedu. Kedua-dua ayat sebelum ini adalah contoh kata-kata perbandingan. Dalam karya sastera, kata-kata perbandingan banyak digunakan untuk tujuan perindahan dan membantu menyampaikan maksud. Pakcik nak berkongsi petikan berikut yang menunjukkan penggunaan kata-kata perbandingan, dan yang sekeluarga dengannya iaitu analogi, metafora dan perlambangan. Perhatikan bagaimana elemen-elemen bahasa ini boleh mempengaruhi mood pembaca. Selamat belajar sastera.

Huruf-huruf yang ku baca di skrin telefon menerpa mata dan mindaku dengan rakus sekali ibarat piranha yang mahu berbuka puasa. Sebaris ayat yang kubaca seolah-olah melompat dari skrin dan melanggarku. Bagai ditampar dengan lori. Kilat sabung-menyabung, petir berdentum-dentam, angin menggila sakan – bagaikan ada kesan khas visual filem-filem Melayu lama atau filem Bollywood mengiringi malapetaka yang menimpaku. Mahu terduduk aku dibuatnya. Itu yang aku rasa pagi itu.

Keseluruhan hari itu, jantungku bagai diletak dalam ruang pembeku peti ais yang diiktiraf oleh Sirim. Tapi, tidak seperti air, yang akan mengembang apabila membeku, jantungku terasa mengecut. Dan bila-bila masa, agaknya, ia bagaikan boleh disentap keluar dari dadaku lalu menamatkan kepedihan yang kurasa. Biarlah rasa pedih itu disentap keluar. Tak tahan dilibas dengan beratus-ratus bilah-bilah buluh yang halus. (Alangkah lebih baik jika bilah-bilah buluh itu dianyam menjadi bakul?)

Aneh…. tidak percaya satu sms mempunyai daya yang sebegitu kuat. Di manakah Newton di saat aku ingin memahami hukum fizik? Tapi, walaupun tanpa Newton di sisiku, jika difikirkan kembali, ada sms-sms dan perkara lain yang berlaku sebelum itu yang membuatkan sms nan satu itu menghentamku dengan momentum yang amat kuat. Rentetan peristiwanya, jika dianalisa dengan akal semata-mata, mungkin tidak berkesudahan dengan kepedihan. Tapi, analisa akalku turut diiringi bisikan-bisikan naluri yang pernah menangis untuk Anuar Zain kerana Anuar terminum Pearl Kacip Fatimah dan bukannya Ali Cafe. Lalu berlakulah perlanggaran di antara logik dan naluri sepertimana berlanggarnya dua orang pakcik yang berbasikal di jalan sempit di pekan Langgar, Kedah Darul Aman (ironik, kan?).

Biarlah aku aturkan rentetan peristiwa itu untuk menjelaskan mengapa aku telah ditampar dengan lori. Malam sebelumnya, Alif memberitahuku dia tidak dapat bertemu aku kerana dia ada urusan di rumahnya (naluri berkata ada sesuatu yang tidak kena). Keesokan paginya, apabila urusan itu sepatutnya telah selesai, dia berkata dia akan berjumpa aku. Dia hendak mandi dulu sebab tertidur semula setelah urusannya pagi itu selesai (akal menerima logik itu, tapi naluri berdebar makin kuat). Dalam aku menunggu kedatangan Alif, kawanku Ba menghantar sms kepadaku untuk bertanya rancangan aku pagi itu. Terus aku menalifonnya untuk mengatakan aku hendak bertemu Alif. Dan aku mahu bertemu Alif sahaja pada hari itu.

Sekonyong-konyong kemudian, aku menerima satu sms daripada Ba. Rupa-rupanya sms itu ditujukan kepada Ta, kawan Ba yang turut kukenali. Tujuan sms itu kelihatan seperti mengadu kepada Ba bahawa aku sengaja tidak mahu berjumpa Ba. Aku hanya mahu berjumpa Alif sahaja. Namun, kemalangan tidak berbau – mungkin baunya telah diserap oleh karbon yang telah diaktifkan. Dalam sms yang sama, Ba mengatakan bahawa Alif tidur di rumahnya malam semalam (naluri menjerit kuat, “Kan dah cakap!”). Dan Alif sedang mandi di rumah Ba. Sebaris lori itu menghentam aku. Malang sekali gerak hatiku tidak cukup kuat untuk membantu aku mengelak tragedi Oktober.

Kesilapan itu satu kebetulan bagiku. Mungkin juga ia telah tersurat. Ba telah tersilap menghantar sms kepadaku. Jadi, aku berhak mempersoalkan kata Alif yang dia ada urusan di rumahnya malam semalam bila mana Ba mengatakan Alif bermalam di rumah Ba.

Namun, mungkin nyawaku masih panjang. Walaupun telah dilanggar lori, aku tidak terus mati, lalu tidak wujudlah sebuah pusara di lebuh raya. Dan rasionalku juga masih panjang, seperti panjangnya galah panjang. Aku tidak terus merampas mana-mana lori atau bulldozer yang ada di sekitarku untuk melanggar Alif, Ba, atau Ta. Dengan Ba, aku cuma pulangkan lorinya. Dia terus membalas kembali, Alif yang dimaksudkannya bukanlah Alif yang kukenali. Cuma kebetulan sama nama – sinonim dan homograf semata-mata; tiada persamaan semantik, genetik, mahupun aestetik (logik mengatakan, “ok”, tapi naluri mengatakan, “mungkin tidak…”).

Dengan Alif, aku tunggu hingga masa yang sesuai untuk kutanyakan hal yang sebenarnya. Walaupun sebenarnya aku masih cedera parah untuk melakonkan semula kemalangan pagi tadi (kerana aku masih menunggu giliran untuk dirawat di wad kecemasan, almaklum insuranku tidak dengan jelas menyatakan aku dilindungi dalam kes ditampar lori), aku gagahkan juga diri bertanya kepadanya. Bagaikan layang-layang yang diluncurkan di Pesta Layang-layang Antarabangsa Pasir Gudang, meluncur kata-kata dari mulutnya bahawa dia memang tidur di rumahnya semalam. Melihatkan yakinnya jawapan Alif, yang lebih yakin daripada Wisma Yakin, aku memenangkan akal dan logik. Namun, naluri masih memberontak umpama peguam yang menjeritkan ‘objection’ hanya untuk mendengar ‘overruled’ daripada hakim. Tidaklah kes kemalangan ini dilaporkan ke mana-mana Balai Polis.

Nota: Pakcik dapat petikan ini dari sumber yang dipercayai. Oleh itu, cerita ini mungkin ada kena mengena dengan yang hidup atau yang mati (termasuklah yang mati dilanggar lori). Almaklum, penulisnya manusia juga, tentulah ceritanya berdasarkan pengalamannya berinteraksi dengan manusia. Kan? So, pakcik mintak maaf kalau pembaca tersinggung dengan mana-mana bahagian petikan ini. Mengikut penulis, dia menulis bukan kerna nama, bukan kerna nak menyalahkan sesiapa, tapi kerna nak meleraikan konflik psikologikal yang dihadapi. Doakanlah moga penulis dapat mencari damai abadi.

Sekarang, soalan-soalan kefahaman.
1) Apakah signifikannya perlambangan lori dalam petikan ini? Adakah penulis bercita-cita menjadi pemandu lori semasa kecil? Ataupun penulis fobia terhadap lori hantu? Soalan bonus: Apakah jenama lori yang menampar penulis?
2) Mengapakah piranha digunakan sebagai perbandingan? Dan betulkah piranha, waima muslim id’tirari, berpuasa?
3) Berapakah keuntungan yang diperoleh syarikat telekomunikasi berdasarkan kejadian yang menimpa watak-watak dalam petikan ini?
4) Mengapa penulis mengguna kata ganti nama Alif, Ba, Ta? Mengapa lari dari kebiasaan mengguna huruf Roman dan menggunakan huruf Jawi? Adakah penulis ingin menyampaikan secara tersirat bahawa dia baru masuk jawi?
5) Siapakah penyanyi kesayang penulis? Anuar Zain, Rahmat Ekamatra, Kenny Remy Martin atau Awie? (perhatikan konteks penggunaan alusi bagi mereka).
6) Mengapa penulis tidak melaporkan kesnya ke Balai Polis? Adakah dia takut dipaksa melakukan ketuk ketampi sambil berbogel?
7) Apakah implikasi terhadap penulis jika hatinya diletak dalam peti ais yang tidak mendapat kelulusan Sirim?
8) Mengapa penulis sangat terkesan dengan sms kawannya itu?
9) Mengapa awak baca soalan-soalan yang pakcik tulis ni? Nak jawab ke? Faham ke petikan tu? Pakcik pun tak berapa faham … hehehehhe

Ikatan atau Pertautan?


PERTAUTAN

Batu di pangkal pokok
dibalut akar
walau memang tidak akan lari ke mana
diikat kejap

Sayangku padamu
ingin kau kuikat
dengan akar kasih
agar sejuk kerisauanku
dan makin dekat aku
pada urat sabar tabahmu

Monday, December 19, 2005

Purple Bloom


I went to Kuala Selangor for a friend's wedding. Nao provided the transport (thanks bro for the use of your car) and Am provided the silence (just kidding!).

Our timing was impeccable, though helped by a series of slightly unfortunate events, that we were able to join the groom's convoy. We made a stop at a masjid which is about a stone throw away from the bride's house. The wedding was the first that I went that serve soto as an alternative - or supplement, if you have a larger stomach than mine - to rice.

Congratulations to the bride and groom, who looked lovely in purple. May you two bloom into a happy and fulfilled couple.

Lilin Untukku


Kekasih 1
Ku dapat lihat cahaya kasihmu terang
dan dapat kusentuh
kepanasanmu.
Akan terbakarkah aku?
Kekasih 2
Ku dapat bayangkan kasihmu terang
tapi jariku terhalang
sekadar memandang dari jauh
sejuklah aku di sini.
Cahayamu tidak mungkin dapat kupadamkan.

Starbuck Satisfaction

Two weeks ago, after sending Marwan back to Trolak, I headed to Ikea. I wanted to buy somethings for a friend. What I wanted for myself is an excuse for not going (to an empty) home too soon (right after the separation from Marwan).

Alhamdulillah, my social vacuum was filled by three very nice friends, all of them had left their comments on my blog. And through these friends, I learn to appreciate the joy of sipping drinks and chatting at Starbucks. Before this, I don't really understand why people seem content to sit for how many hours over one glass of coffee. But now, perhaps I can begin to understand why people would open up their laptop and have coffee alone. In their state of being alone, they are free to do what they want to do.

At Starbuck you can be the hunter. Or like me, on that particular day, you can escape from whatever is hunting you. Let Starbuck satisfy you.

Author's note: This post is not brought to you by Starbuck. (But I'd welcome any form of honorarium from Starbuck :-) )

Three love situations

Having someone to love, and love you back, is a luxury.
Having lots of love, but no one to love, is poverty.
Having someone to love, but when the same person uses your love to hurt you, is a tragedy.

What kind of love situation do you have?

Something Beautiful


SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL DIES

You can easily
erase a mark on paper
but when the mark is gone
the paper is no longer smooth
as before

the same with a heart
- perhaps heedless words -
though you apologize
something beautiful dies



I read the poem above in secondary school. I can’t remember it verbatim, so the above is actually my reconstruction of it. And the reason for me reconstructing it is to sort of explain the statement of “I have been burned”. (You know who you are: this is my addition to our conversation last week. )

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Retagged. And readmitted.

1. Describe your first date.
My first date? It has to be 23rd February 1975. See, I was born that day. So, that day must be my first date.

2. Describe your most embarrassing experience.
Being seen by so many people, all of them women, in the nude. I can’t tell how embarrassed I was. They even touched me. I cried until they give me something to wear. And it all happened on my first date!

3. Have you ever wished you could fly?
Yes. When I am embarrassed, I wish I could fly. I don’t want to feel embarrassed around other people. So, I want to fly to a land, far far away, beyond the rainbow, where I can meet the Jellabies!

4. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?
When I was little, I want to be bigger when I grow up.

5. What is your favorite colour?
My favorite color is colourful.

6. Have you ever wished for true love?
No. I wished for false love. (Duhhh!!!)

7. What is the most romantic place to have a first kiss?

In a sailboat. With Pulau Langkawi as the background. When the sun is setting. And no one is watching.

8. What is the least romantic place to have a first kiss?
In front of the cashier at any mamak restaurant.

9. Describe your favourite teacher(s) and why they are the best?
I cannot describe my favorite teacher. He did not teach me how to describe him. Ampun cikgu!

10. Suggest a book for me to read.
“How to Describe Your Favorite Teacher for Dummies”. (ooppss.. that’s a book that I should read)

11. Suggest a musical group for me to listen to.
I suggest that you don’t listen to a musical group. Listen to Siti Nurhaliza. She’s the best.

12. Have you ever told someone you loved them but not really meant it?
Yes. One time, my date asked me if I love her. I said “Yes”. What I meant to say was, “Stop yapping. Can’t you see I’m watching Siti Nurhaliza on the telly?”

13. Have you ever cheated on someone you were going out with?
I wish I have. But Siti Nurhaliza rejected my advances flat out.

14. Have you ever done something, but regretted it later?
Yes. I regretted ever making that advance to Siti. Now my self-esteem is ruined. Ruined, I tell you.

15. If you could fly anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Haven’t I answered this question before?

16. Describe yourself
Come on man! Haven’t my answers told you something about me? If you answered “No”, then I suggest you enroll in a course in "reading between the lines'. The reference book for that course can be found next to “How to Describe Your Favorite Teacher for Dummies”.

17. Describe the person who tagged you
Same as number 16. I tagged myself. Hehehheh.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Perempuan Bogel

No, I have not seen a nude women recently. Technically no. But, if you are like me, who read the newspaper and watch the news (if you can call them news) on tv, you'd have seen a video clip of Chinese women ear squatting naked. I am tempted to challenge the 'facts' reported, but I am more concerned about the lack of one vital information. Have I missed the report? Or have the news editor missed the fact from their report?

What the heck the women was detained for? Why does this piece of information not reported everyday (just like the picture being printed every day?). WHY?

(heheh... sajer jer dramatik sket)

Monday, November 28, 2005

Kasihku Padamu

Aku tahu aku sungguh-sungguh sayang padamu
aku sedar aku rindu benar-benar
aku dapat rasakan kasihku padamu
menyentuhmu dengan suaraku
membayangkan senyumanmu
memelukmu dalam mimpiku

Moga kau tahu
semua ini sayang
ada padaku, untukmu

Dan bila bertemu nanti
kucuplah aku seperti dulu
untuk kusimpan sebagai bukti dan kenangan
kau juga sayang padaku

Friday, November 25, 2005

Budak baik

Susah gak nak jadi baik.

1) Kadang-kadang kita baik, tapi orang balas tak baik dengan kita.
2) Kadang-kadang kita nak baik, tapi orang tak nak baik dengan kita.
3) Kadang- kadang orang buat baik dengan kita, kita pulak tak leh nak buat baik dengan dia.

Baru-baru ni, ada hamba Allah yang nak aku buat baik dengan dia. Tak kenal sangat pun; dah dia contact aku baru aku tahu nama dia. Dia minta tolong. Ingat nak mintak tolong apa… rupa-rupanya nak mintak tolong top-up kredit phone dia. Huk aloh! Berani dan straight to the point sungguh. Dia kata dia akan bayar balik. Dia mintak tolong pun sebab duit dia kena curi. Mmmmm… nak percaya ke ni? Dilema… dilema…takut kena kes nombor satu di atas.

Dulu pernah gak orang bermanis mulut dengan aku. Kalau nak disukat manisnya, memang kalah En Manisnya yang dalam Labuna-Labuni itu. Dalam bulan posa lak tu. Last-last, duit aku kena kapur. Chiss…. Diabetis la sesiapa yang memaniskan mulut untuk menipu orang lain.

So, setelah permintaan pertama dilaksanakan (aku top up, tapi kurang daripada jumlah yang dia mintak), dia ada permintaan kedua pulak. Isskk… ni dah kes teknik foot-in-the-door nih. Alamak…. Cam ne? Nak percaya lagi ker? Aku tak kenal dengan budak ni. Bila aku cakap aku akan cuba penuhi, dia senyap jap.

Tapi, tak lama. Dia ada permintaan ketiga. Dia nak jugak aku top up kredit dia lagi. Melebihi permintaan asalnya. Mak eh…. Nak percaya ke? (Motif apa nak kredit bebanyak? Lungap benor ke habiskan kredit?).

Peluang nak menabur budi dah ada di depan mata. Boleh cuba jadi baik tanpa apa-apa prasangka. Mungkin betul dia dalam kesusahan dan akan bayar balik apa-apa yang dia berhutang dengan aku. Tapi, boleh percaya ke?

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Ice, Baby

Yesterday evening I went to a Deepa Raya open house hosted by MiTV at Manhattan Ballroom, Berjaya Times Square (thanks A and A (nak nama sebenar ke?) for the invitation). It was the first time I set my foot there. For this posting, I do not with to comment on the opulence of the venue. No, sir. I mean, Ritz Carlton, a close neighbour, is much more luxurious. But I was nonetheless impressed. The washroom is spacious, clean and stately. The paintings adorning the walls beckoned me to inspect them closely. Overall, the atmosphere transpotted me briefly to a make believe US city, which is hard to resist, with names like Bronx, Manhattan, Big Apple, and Seventh Avenue surrounding you. Yeah! This posting is really not about the venue.

It is really about my choice of drinks there. (Dissappointed?) There were both cold and hot drinks. I chose the hot one, a teh tarik. The reason being I want to abstain from anything with ice. Ice is not good for me for several reasons: sinusitis, cold, back pain, and several others. I was about to find out just what 'several others' might include.

After the open house, I went back to campus for badminton with J and L, (not actual initials) and my brother. I have taken hiatus from badminton for more than two months. And I was really thirsty after 1 1/2 hours of play. When my brother and I got home, he fixed a cold drink. And guess what yours truly chose to drink! Yup, three doses of that cool, refreshing drink. I thougt, the heck with it. Just drink it. Que sera sera. Little did I know the drink could be implicated to a physical condition previously grouped under 'several others'.

This morning, I woke up with a heavy sensation on my right eye. The eye ball itself felt heavy. I instantly know that it must be red. And true enough, when I look at myself in the mirror (ugghhhh.. I think I need a haircut), I saw my right eye was indeed red. In fact, redder than usual. So, my friends, it seems that your truly will have to strike ice of off my permissible-to-eat list. No more ice for me, baby.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Senja Nan Merah













Suatu senja di Putra Jaya

Pantun Rindu


Kalau tuan hendak ke kota
tinggalkan hamba sehelai baldu
kalau lama hilang di mata
tentu hati menanggung rindu

(ditulis masa nak ke Kota Kinabalu dulu)

Penangan Tsumawi



Mawi certainly has a special place in the Malaysian music industry. And that is actually an understatement. I have experienced the impact that he has on a more personal level.

On the way to KL (a week after hari raya), I made a stop at Restoran Jejantas Sg Buloh for lunch. Both my parents and Marwan were with me. During lunch, Marwan shifted about and announced that he wanted to pee. So, we went to the toilet for him to do his business. So, that's done. When I was zipping him up, he made a soft cry of “aduh!”. Is he hurt? I was not overly alarmed (because I know I’ve done my job carefully), but concerned, none the less. Without really missing a beat, he looked up to me, breaking into a smile, and said, “aduh Saliha.”

I can only join him smiling.

PERPISAHAN YANG SEMPURNA

Sepasang tangan bersalaman
menanda sebuah perpisahan
ada yang ingin berlalu
apabila lerai salam yang kejap


Mungkin disusul sebuah dakapan
sentuhan dekat terakhir
sehingga masa dengan izin
menemukan semula dua jiwa
dua jasad yang sama, doanya

Mungkin ada air mata
mengiringi hiba sebuah perpisahan
terbit dari rindu yang lahir awal
sebelum jauh berjauhan
selepas dekat berdekatan

Sepasang tangan bersalaman sebuah dakapan air mata iringan

Cukupkah ini melengkapkan ritual sebuah perpisahan
mampukan melahirkan redha di hati
pada melepaskan insan yang melekat di jiwa
pada menyirami janji bertemu kembali
pada menenangkan ombak sebak di dada

Kekosongan yang masih belum dapat kunamakan
pada perpisahan yang kesekian kali
memberi aku satu ajaran
tiada sebuah perpisahan yang sempurna

Yang nyata di depan mata ialah
peluang yang luas terbentang
untuk menyempurnakan
sebuah pertemuan

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Boomerang

Something that I want to share, before updatingwith what went on during raya. The following excerpt is verbatim from a final exam paper I marked recently.
====================

Question: When do persuasive attempts “boomerang” and why?

Answer: Boomerang is a game famous in Australia. It is such social norm playing boomerang there. For those who are enjoy with it related to the normative social influence.

====================

It seems like my attempt to persuade this student to READ the text book had failed.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Eid Mubarak
















Jika puasa anda telah terselamat,
dan anda telah selamat membayar zakat fitrah (on time!),
dan bajet anda masih selamat,
dan anda selamat sampai ke destinasi anda,
TAHNIAH dan.....

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDIL FITRI Posted by Picasa

Romantic? Moi?

I took a test on http://www.blogthings.com/ and here’s what the test says about me.

======================
You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage pessimistically. You don't think happy marriages exist anymore.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

=======================


Biar bebetoi…..

Monday, October 24, 2005

Not a good day

Today is certainly not a good day. Yet, perhaps. I felt measerable physically and emotionally. My joints are acting up again. The lower back annoyed me more than usual. And I felt the familiar biting pain in my joints. Another viral attack?

Today was not a good day to be tested like this. I needed to complete the report that I'm working on. I had planned to complete chapter 3 today, at least. Then I wanted to work on chapter 4 and 5. Which are the last two chapters. I wanted to leave KK with my work done, not half-done. Hopefully I will regain my strength later in the evening.

Emotionally... I am less confident of regaining emotional stability by the end of today. I miss Marwan, but I couldn't talk to him. (something wrong with the line?). I miss my friends at home. I miss my house.. or, since I am missing it now, my HOME? Additionally. from this distance, I thought about the friends that I met.

Yang telah pergi seorang pasangan, yang kucari seorang teman, yang kujumpa beberapa kawan. Pencarian masih belum berakhir.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Kerendahan Cintaku

Kerendahan Cintaku

Dalam lembaran silamku
ada hati terbakar
hingga arangnya memahitkan
lembaran depanku

Maafkan aku
andainya cinta yang kuhamparkan di kakimu
tidak meninggikanmu
ke persada yang ingin kau capai

Maafkan aku
andainya rindu yang kutitip buatmu
tidak menyejukkanmu
dalam lena mahupun jagamu

Kerendahan cintaku
mampukah menaikkan senyummu?



Harris Shah Abd Hamid
Kuala Lumpur
22 Feb. 05

Kembali Manusia

Kembali Manusia

Perlukah kau dengar
kisah yang telah kusimpan
sedang bagiku mahuku
padamkannya dari sejarahku

Usah kau kisah
bayang-bayang di belakang
sedang mataku maluku
tidak sanggup melihatnya

Pernahkah kau bayangkan
air mataku tiada lagi
sedang hatiku inginku
menyesali yang telah berlaku

Ku akui
tak mampu selamanya kuberlari
dikejar bayang-bayang kusendiri
dan setelah kuyakini
putihnya caramu terhadapku
kulepaskan ragu-raguku
mengadu di bahumu

Dengarlah kisah bayangan
agar esokku kembali ceria
dalam diriku tahuku
tiada insan yang sempurna


Harris Shah Abd Hamid
Kota Kinabalu
15/5/2005

Seperti yang diminta

Seperti yang diminta oleh Nao….

Now, Please Stay

I used to say
please turn your eyes away
because you were looking
into me
through the many layers
I’ve built over the years

I used to say
please take your hand away
because you were touching
tender spots
through the hard skins
weathered by pain and sins

But now I know
here is where you should be
to help me peel away my shame
to help me see again
I am just another man

Because you can see
I am just another man, a human
because you can see
I have been playing the game

Harris Shah Abd Hamid
14 May 2005
Kota Kinabalu

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

History

History is written by the winners; some people say.
Now, with the internet, even losers (in addition to loosers) can write history. Everyone, with access to the internet, can tell their side of the story. So, everyone's story will be available for consumption. People have more to choose from.
So, now the maxim changes to: history is written by the bloggers. :-)

Mengenang

Pucuk pauh buah berangan
diikat-ikat dengan tali
orang jauh jadi kenangan
hendak dilupa sukar sekali

Pucuk rebung dilentur-lentur
aur meliuk disapa bayu
kasih dan sayang berbaur-baur
bila diingat hatipun sayu

Monday, October 17, 2005

A New Toy


I felt like a boy who have just gotten a new toy. Sure beats the negative feelings I had this past weeks.

I purchased a digital camera for my sister. She's in Malacca pursuing a degree in IT. She mentioned before how she could use a digital camera for her study. Now that I have the window of opportunity (in terms of timing and finance), I went to Senheng with a friend (thank you Shukor!) to buy one.

That same night, we went to Dataran Merdeka. I snapped a few shots. I like this one best. And after retouching it with Picasa, voila! Not a masterpiece, but something I'm proud to have produced.

Better produce as much as possible...before I pass the camera on to my sister at the end of this month.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Close To You

Spent last weekend with Marwan at Kuala Kangsar. It has been three weeks since I last see him. Alhamdulillah, the physical distance does not separate us emotionally.

When we were together, we can be very close physically. When he lay asleep beside me. When he insisted on taking showers together. When he would not let me go at the end of the weekend.

I feel I want to be physically close to him to compensate the days that I am not by his side. I want to be there next to him when he wakes up from sleep. I know he like to be hugged, and continue being half-asleep while I embrace him. And when driving, I wish I could lay him on my lap rather than on the car seat next to me.

But, perhaps, the physical closeness is not just a compensation. I can imagine myself kissing him, on both cheeks, and then his forehead, when he is growing older. Attending school. When he hit puberty. As he enters university. On his graduation day. Until he have someone to kiss like I kiss him.

I don’t know that I can have this much love. This is possible because I have a son. So I pray to Allah that he allow me to be a good father to Marwan. And be close to him, always.

Mirror Mirror Will You Talk?

What if you could look at yourself in the mirror?

Ok, may be that was not a profound question worthy of an answer. After all, people DO look at themselves in a mirror, almost everyday. Unless you are living a mirror-deprived existence. So, let me ask this question. “What if you can talk to a mirror?” I’m not sure this is a more profound question worthy of your penny for a thought. It is interesting for me to consider this question. Not that I have a latent tendency to be like Snow White’s step mother, but rather the question lends itself as an introduction to this entry.

If I found one – a talking mirror, not the step mother – I would not ask “who is the fairest of them all.” I know the answer is not me. You see, I have not been using any whitening cream. Nay, I will be more interested to explore the inner beauty. And the inner ugly.

At first, perhaps I’d be elated. Then scared. Elated because I am able to see myself in others. Scared because of the same reason. You see, a faithful mirror will tell you who you are, without pretense. You’d be able to see how you think. How you treat people. How you act in a given situation. How objective and subjective you can be.

Then awed. Then humbled. Awed for the simple reason that I’ve found my clone. Humbled because I can finally see myself as others see me. But awe and humility will only be felt if you learn to accept yourself. Learn how to not wince when you see a hideous side of you that you have conveniently neglected to observe previously. Learn how to not feel proud when you see what makes people attracted to you.

What would you do if you find your own talking mirror?

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Buah Hati Pengarang Jantung

Marwan,
Di mana Marwan berada, dengan siapa, bila-bila.... ayah tetap ingat pada Marwan. I love you. Semoga Allah akan mendekatkan kita di dunia dan akhirat.
Tidak terlintas di hati ayah untuk menyingkirkan Marwan dari hidup ayah. Buat sementara ini, ayah bersabar berjauhan dari Marwan. Harap Marwan pun dapat bertahan berjauhan dari ayah. Jangan lupakan ayah ya. Sampai masanya, pasti ayah mahu Marwan betul-betul dekat dengan ayah.
Salam Ramadhan dari ayah. Posted by Picasa

Mendung biar di awan

Ada wajah yang sedih, tak mampu untuk kuceriakan. Ada suara yang terpendam, hanya mampu ku menunggu. Mendung biarlah di awan, bukan di wajah. Moga tercurah kekelabuan itu, ke tanah manapun, asal wajahmu kembali bersinar. Ke tanah manapun....


KIRANYA KAU DENGAR

Tidak kau lukis tidak kau garis
kesedihanmu ada di matamu
mengalir ke hatiku

Tidak kau tulis tidak kau hampar
kepiluanmu ada getarnya
menitis ke jiwaku

Izinkanlah tanganku menyentuh bahumu
untuk ku berikan sedikit kekuatan
unjukkanlah tanganmu di bahuku
untuk kusambut rintih sendumu

Kiranya kau dengar permintaanku ini
sudilah hampir ke sisiku
ungkapkanlah kisah deritamu
kiranya kau dengar alunan kasihku
kiranya kau dengar nafas kisahku

Kau tidak sendirian
dukamu bukan untuk kau seorang
aku di sini menunggu
untuk mendengar suaramu
kiranya kau dengar suaraku

Kiranya kau dengar permintaanku ini
sudilah hampir ke sisiku
ceritakanlah kisah deritamu
kiranya kau dengar alunan kasihku
(ku sudi terima)
kiranya kau dengar nafas kisahku
(ku sudi bersabar)

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Ramadhan datang lagi

Petang ni Ramadan akan menjelma lagi. Seperti di tahun-tahun lepas, aku perlu bertanya kepada diri sendiri: bagaimana akan kujadikan Ramadan ini lebih baik daripada yang sebelumnya?

Aku akan cuba untuk menambah amal yang perlu, terutama solah tarawih. Mahu berazam mennyempurnakan tarawih di setiap malam, walau 8 rakaat.
Kedua, aku akan cuba mengurangkan amal yang tak perlu. Mahu berazam meninggalkan amalan yang tidak baik. Moga bterus ditinggalkan bersama berlalunya Ramadan.

Namun, satu perkara yang aku lupa untuk perhatikan ialah pemantauan bagi perkara-perkara yang tidak termasuk dalam matlamat. Perlu juga untuk aku pastikan bahawa apa yang telah aku capai sebelum ini tidak keciciran. Moga Allah menerima amalku. Moga Ramadan mengayakan aku dengan ketakwaan. Moga Ramadan menghakiskan dosa-dosaku. Moga Syawal nanti hatiku segar untuk terus tunduk pada Allah.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Perjumpaan

Berilah aku masa untuk memahami apa yang berlaku
berilah aku peluang untuk belajar memberimu apa yang kau mahu
halanglah aku daripada memberimu apa yang kau tak perlu

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Chocolate and Milk

When you discover you can't take some food that you enjoy when you were younger, you'd start to feel older. For me, its chocolate. Yes. I'm afraid to make this discovery, but two events in the past weeks may lead to the conclusion that I no longer can enjoy chocolate. And that I feeling older.

When I met a friend, and a friend of hers, for a drink, I ordered hot chocolate for wanting something hot. Of course, coffee is a no-no for me. (Except for kampung type of coffee where coffee bean constitute less than 50% of the soffee mix) So, there I was, drinking hot chocolate and having conversation. After a while, I grew quiet. I attributed it to my running out of things to say. I just listened to my two friends.

Then, the friend of my friend left. (Ok, his name is Zul). After he left, I realized that I had a throbbing pain eminating from the back of my head. Usually, with coffee or Coke, the pain would start from both sides of my temple. I categorically denied that chocolate has something to do with my headache. Afterall, chocolate is supposed to be healthy, right? How can I get a buzz by drinking hot chocolate?

Alas, I gave up when the pain continued. It spread to the whole part of my head. It was an even worse form of pain compared to coffee-based pain.

And yesterday, my hypothesis about chocolate gained more support. I ate a few bits of chocolates at the office. When I left, the headache came again. I don't think I need further test. I will reduce chocolate intake from now on. I accept the fact that Imy body is growing old.

No, don't get me wrong. I don't despair over deleting chocolate from my can-eat list. I still have a long list even though I have deleted prawn, squid, crab, terubuk, mutton, and so on. Believe me, my menu is still sizeable. Hey, what if I can't have hot chocolate; I can have just the milk, right? It's on half of hot chocolate, right?.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Flying


Do I believe I can fly? Yes. For RM50, I can fly. At Genting anyways. I sure would like to experience defying gravity in the vertical wind tunnel at Genting.

More important, I want to translate the physical flying into mental and psychological flying. I so wanted to soar and leave my coccoon behind. I want to reach places that I have dreamed of. And places that lie beyond.

Taking off is a difficult thing to do. May be I should just jump and let the wind embrace me. Afterall, I know I have enough strength to not fall so far. Do I have enought strength to do more than just walk? I bet I do.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Spending the weekend at Kuala Perlis

Dari Gombak ke Kuala Perlis
Bila sampai hujanpun reda
Masuk duduk di dalam majlis
Berkongsi ilmu mencambah minda

Pulau di tengah berbalam-balam
Terlalu jauh tak tercapai tangan
Melihat laut di waktu malam
Terkenang pada dia dan kenangan

Mendung berarak melindung bulan
Di tepi laut suram cahayanya
Telah kuberi ceritaku tuan
Mudah-mudahan ada gunanya

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

A Bad Day

When bad things happen, they happen in clusters. An instructive example was things that happened yesterday (Tuesday).

I was merrily (you can dispute that adverb) teaching, swaying back on forth between the table and the wall. As is my habit, I also moved sideways. On this particular morning, my swaying movement landed me in an embarrasing situation.

To understand the embarrassment, you need to know that on the wall is a whiteboard. And attached at the bottom of the board is a slate of metal for holding the marker pens and duster. You see, the edge of the slate is quite sharp. And its sharpness was empathetically demonstrated when I rubbed - unintentionally, of course - my behind against the edge. The sound of a tearing cloth rang loudly in my ears. My hand quickly found its way to assess (no pun intended) the severity of the situation. About an inch of vertical gap had appeared in my pants. What can I do? I excused myself, walked out like a crab (sideways, and with as much grace), and get myself a change of outfit. End of bad day scene number one.

When I got home later that evening, I tossed my sweat-drenched t-shirt in the pail. (You see, I had returned from an exciting badminton game. I played for about two hours: my stamina was ok, but my skill, again, is comparable to that of a crab). I intended to soak it (the shirt, not the crab) for a while before washing it with other articles of clothings. Imagine the frustation when I discovered the tap had run dry! (Now I know that my apartment does not have a water tank.) Somehow, I got an instinct to check the water meter outside. To add horror to the frustration, I saw the meter locked. The padlock was bright and shiny and it taunting me as if I was a helpless crab being dangled by a rope (I hope you get the crabby theme by now).

So, with a body reeking of sweat, I had to seek a place to perform ablution, and Maghrib prayer. And to take a shower. Later, i discovered that the previous tenant had not paid maintenence fee and water bill that amounted to RM369.51. No wonder the apartment management was crabby.

Quite an event, wasn't it. But, as my friend mentioned to me, through his SMS (Positive thinking is like this: You see a small bird flying, you look up, and it shits in your eyes. You don't cry, nor you get angry. Instead, you thank God, because cows don't fly). Oooppss... I shouldn't have put a period after the bracket, but i suspect you don't have long enough breath to take the previous incomplete sentence, plus what's suppose to come after it, in one go. So, I am sparing you the misery by violating the grammer. Fair enough? (breath in....out.....in.....out....)

Err.....where was I? Yeah. I was about to make a point about positive thinking. Yes, indeed I thank God that cows don't fly. But flightless cow are of no use to me, unless they can dryclean my shirt. So, more appropriately for my situation, I was thankful that I did have spare clothings in my car. And I did have a place where the water meter was not locked. I should not blame anyone, really. Afterall, this crab had managed to take a shower!

Learning from the son

This entry will hopefully be a reminder of what I felt last weekend. I hope this memory stays with me for a long time. And if need be, people can refer to this entry to know how I felt on Sunday, 14 August 2005.

I was towelling Marwan dry. And being the cheerful kid that he is, he used his hands to land punches on my body. Some of the punches were aimed at my head. Now, I have mentioned to him, in previous occassions, that this behavior is not acceptable. On this particular instance, may be my voice was firmer than usual. Then I saw him retreating from me, and his tears began to run down his cheek.

Not being able to put my own emotion under control, my tears found their way down my cheek. The sadness of ending the weekend with him was multiplied by the tears that I saw. And he made a valiant effort of sulking at my admonishment. He refused to let me dress him up. I relented after a few trials of facilitating him. When he was trying to put on his belt, he struggled. By then his cry has been reduced to sobs. I tried to approach him again, and he let me help him with the belt. End of part one.

We performed the 'asr prayer together. And he stayed with me till the end. After we shook hand, I gave him a big hug. And he hug me back. Tightly. And then I heard him sobbing. I ran my hand on his back, consoling him with forgiveness. And an explanation that I was not angry with him. I had only intended for him to stop hitting my head. In between his tears and mine, we found new strength and depth in our relationship. I hope he really know I love him no matter what. And I know I can correct his behavior and he will not hate me for doing so.

Ayah loves you so much Marwan.