Thursday, November 27, 2008

Lengai

Adusss.... ngapa la lengai bebenor ni. Tak aktif langsung. Tak produktif. 

Ethics application kena disiapkan. Semalam, dalam usaha meningkatkan kembali motivasi diri, ayah join workshop 'Life Coaching'. Had some very good input. More important, it spurred me into taking 'mini-actions' that have yielded promising results. 

For now, I want to apply the Premack Principle to myself. I wont allow myself to update the blog, facebook, AND flickr until I lock and submit the ethics forms. 

See you soon.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Sengaja Mencari Yang Jauh

Bila lidah sudah dikunci
tinggal hati tercari-cari
sedang mata berlari-lari
alih pandang kanan kiri

Tidak berani mencari makna
di senyum atau matanya
tidak berani melontar rasa
di riak muka atau suara

Sanggup menjauh bersusah payah
bertaruh kasih mengharap tuah
bukan datang melimpah ruah
bukan pula empang pecah 

Yang jauh diseru
yang dekat dibuat tak tahu
lidah dikunci mata memburu
hati meraung bertalu-talu

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Lagi satu gerun

Ada satu lagi gerun
berbulan-bulan bertenggek atas bahu
patutlah ada kala rasa macam nak rebah
susah. Susah.

Bila kena palu dengan lidah
muka dan telinga naik merah
pipi rasa kembang tak tahu nak letak di mana
malu. Malu.

Apa yang susah sangat
sampai sanggup hidup dengan gerun
terhenyak saban hari
sampai tak boleh nak enjoy
puas. Puas.

Satu hari, dari hari-hari yang makin nipis
terpaksa juga memberanikan diri
mengadap cermin melihat beban atas bahu
lupakan dulu merah muka dan kembang pipi
ada malas yang perlu dicantas
ada kecut yang perlu diregang
laut luas sendang menanti, apa lagi
terjunlah. Terjun.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Cruel Punishment, Realised

It was when he kissed me
that I realised
I have forgotten
the meaning of closeness

When he hugged me
I realised
I missed
letting myself melt

Have I punished myself too much?
Touching feels so strange
and awkward

Do I still know
to love
and being loveable?

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Gerun Sepucuk Surat

Masa check surat di kotak surat postgrad, tak de la jangka dapat apa2 surat. Surat2 dari UIA pun dah diterima awal minggu ini. So, terkejut dengan baiknya (nicely suprised :-) ) bila tengok ada surat, siap bercop BBC lagi. Kalau BBC bagi tiket untuk rakaman Just A Minute best jugak. 

Bila dibuka, rupa2nya surat tu dari dental clinic di Melton Mowbry. Setelah sekian lama, baru sekarang dapat appointment. Apa la punya lembab sistem kat sini. Nampak sangat kurang doktor gigi. 

Jadi, 'lawatan' ke klinik tu pada 28hb ni. Bila 'fakta' tersebut dah masuk ke dalam otak, tetiba timbul gerun. Rasa senak kat ulu hati. Bukannya nak buat apa pun... just nak cabut geraham bongsu je. Tapi... yea la. Dah lama tak buat medical procedure. Tambah pulak Melton Mowbry tu jauh gak.. lebih 17 batu dari Lboro. Kena cari kawan utk temankan ke sana. Mana la tau... kot2 lepas cabut gigi tak leh nak pegang stereng kereta pulak. Sabor je la.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Monday, November 10, 2008

metamorphosis





























At my age, David Beckham had achieved a lot, I realised recently. I don't mean his exploits on soccer fields. I noticed he had worn many different hair styles. Short, long, limp, sticky. Me? More or less the same since childhood.
Everytime I go to the barber, I have an intention to make something different with my hair. But, truth be told, I am clueless about hairstyling. I don't know what to say to the barber. I can't verbalise my 'user requirements' to the hair designer. So, in the end, I chicken out and request the same ole' same ole'.
I wish I have the courage and knowledge to transform my locks before they are gone.

Ayam Golek

Hari ni masak ayam golek. Kira menjadi le jugak. Sbelum pergi carboot sales, defrost ayam. Balik dari shopping (dapat speakers sepasang), masak dalam oven. Inilah hasilnya.




Saturday, November 08, 2008

Thank You

Alhamdulillah,
- the flights were not delayed
- I was on time for all trips
- I did not lose anything
- the hostel was secure and clean
- I was healthy
- I did not have spend too much money

Glad that the Barcelona trip was safe and sound.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Hablo Espanyol?

People say you will appreciate something more after you lost it. A version of that sentiment was clearly felt during my stay in Barca. The land, a heady mix of architectural style, the sound and smell are very different to the UK, or Lboro at least. They made me feel Lboro as a home. Second. Or third. A home none the less.

At times, I felt 'respected' because I speak English, no matter that I don't the least bit look Caucasion. Perhaps this is how the European tourist feel as the roam the roads of KL, people addressing them as 'Sir'. For me, though, the respect mostly comes from business man and women keen to have my custom. They really tried to speak the customers' language, literally and figuratively.

While browsing for fridge magnets at a souvenir shop, not unlike those found along Oxford St, London, the shop attendent enquired if I was from the Phillippines. Upon hearing that I'm from Malaysia, he chirped, "Murah, murah. I give you a good price my friend." Or something like that. But he indeed said 'murah' more than once.

* * * * * *

Acquainting myself with the idiosyncracies of Barca, I found myself pining for the 'comfort' of living in the UK. Take grocery shopping for one. At Lboro, grocery shopping is a straight forward task. Vegetarian logo are easily found on food packaging. May be I didn't look around enough, but I did not see a single 'suitable for vegetarian' label on food at grocery shop like Consum, Lidl, and Cortes de Ingles. To make it worse, most food information does not have English version. I had to think hard whether 'cebolla' is a type of meat or not. It was later, when I watched a programme on tv at the hostel, that I learned cebolla is onion.

Street intersections are also unlike any that I've seen in the UK. The street does not intersect squarely, forming a sharp cross. Instead of having squares where two streets intersect, Barca has octagons. So, you'd have to walk a few extra meters to cross a street.

However, having said that, I have a feeling that Barca is very pedesterian-friendly. Most of the time, I did not have to wait for the light to turn green to cross the street. It is as if the traffic system was designed to give priority to pedestarians than to motorists. I wonder what the motorists think about the traffic light behaviour.

I'm also very much impressed with the Metro. Some of the coaches look very much like PUTRA coaches. It was not the physical condition that impressed me, it was their regularity. Again, I did not have to wait long to catch a train. Usually, within 2 or 3 minutes, a train will arrive at the station. I think, the longest that I had to wait was for 5 minutes, and it was quite late at night.

So, those are some of the merits and demerits of Barca based on my short trip. I'm sure there are many more things to explore. The arts (I didn't get o go to Picasso's Museum), the live culture (I'm not referring to yogurt content here), night lights, and so many other things beckon me to visit Barca again. I would love to take you on a trip to Barca, mi hijo.

Le quiero

What am I looking for in Barcelona? The answer is vague at best, and I suspect the real answer is not readuly accessible yet.

When I decided to take a trip out of the UK, my first choice was Berlin. However, at the time I was ready to book a flight, Barcelona was a better option, cost-wise, than Berlin. So, at the set out, I was not heading to Barca.

I borrowed a Spanish language book from the town library. The smattering of Spanish I learned at Guelph were refreshed. The Spanish words felt smooth on my tounge. It was, an still is a pleasure to speak the language. Patrick had kindly lend a guide book to Barcelona. I skimmed it, not really making a concrete plan of what to do and where to go. The night before I'm du to fly, my plan was still very much open. Sagrada Familia. La Ramblas. Montjuic. They were just venues, random. It fels strange not to impose a structure upon the days that I'm going to spend in Barca. I'm quite used to make plans for trips. Even for going to a car boot sales. I'm perturbed by the lack of intention.

During the flight, I took the guidebok yet again. I managed to read more leisurely. There was no pressure to systhesise anything from the book. The more that I read, the more I'm endeared to this city. The old and new, expansion, preserving historical root. These phrases used to describe Barca have more romantic appeal than can be said about Lboro.

Perhaps, this romantic appeal also tugs at my heart as I'm writing this piece. My mind replayed the song 'Dambaan' from time to time. It seemed like an apt song to bring to Barca. I hope Barca will help me find a way to deal with the lingering longing. Forcing it into a recognisable shape. So that I can give it a name. And, perhaps say out aloud, le quiero.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Percutian Di Barcelona















Matahari main sembunyi
Empat malam menyorok bulan
Rajin menapak berhari-hari
Ada masanya kebasahan

Jalan malam tidak terang
Untung selamat sendirian
Kaki penat hampir kejang
Sampai balik kehampaan

Andai hujan rajin menimpa
Kalah rasa berlinangan
Apa dicari tidak dijumpa
Niat bersantai kekudungan

Monday, November 03, 2008

Berbatas

Engkaukah yang menjentik
dada bergelombang
sedang mataku kekeliruan
mengelak dari jatuh kematamu

Bagai berpucuk semula
Ranting musim dingin
Walau musim bunga
Masih jauh

Tak mungkin kukuburkan
Rasa yang masih ada
Hanya untuk melayan
Rasa yang baru tiba

Haruskan aku hamparkan saja
Untuk kau tatap
Sedang aku sendiri kekaburan

Di sudut hatimu yang mana
Dapat aku sentuh seketika

Di sudut hatiku yang mana
Dapat aku biarkan kau sentuh

Berkali-kali aku persoalkan
Di mana adilnya
Untukmu
Untukku
Untuknya

Mahukah kau kuberi
Seutas kasih
Yang pangkalnya pada dia?

Sanggupkah aku sendiri
Memintal kasih
Sekadar himpunan di riba?

Adakah aku khianat
Menghulurkan rasa
Selain kepadanya?

Lalu aku biarkan saja?

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Cukuplah Sedikit

Sekuat mana otot jari
sehabis daya mencengkam dan menggenggam
pergi tetap pergi
terlepas

Sehebat mana jaringan saraf
sehabis daya menaakul dan mentafsir
rahsia tetap rahsia
terpelihara

Kudrat tetap, bersukat
sempadan kudrat jadikan batas nafsu
dalam ghairah merungkai rahsia alam
jangan sampai melangkau ruang insan
mencabar Tuhan