Thursday, October 30, 2008

Syukurlah Aku Kerdil

aku tidak tahu semua
sebab musabab sesuatu peristiwa

Ditabirkan pemandangan
dibataskan pendengaran
dihadkan akal

atas kurangnya upaya
untuk merungkai selirat plot hidup
tidak sepenuhnya mencapai faham
keperitan yang menandai episod

yang memiliki segala ilmu
terima kasih dariku
kerana tidak meletakkan tanggungan
menguasai misteri
di bahuku yang kerdil
cukup DiriMu
menyimpan rahsia hidupku


Genap sudah setahun dakapan terlerai.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

First frost

yesterday the first frost of the season made an appearance. Sejuk!!! It was the first time for using the de-icer on the car. Today, the frost was even worst. There was ice on top of the frost. My hands are freezing from touching the de-icer can and the cold steering wheel. Sabor je la. And it made me wonder, how did I ever survived the more extreme Canadian winter?

Dambaan - Ulasan

(follow up entry Dare You Say It)

Ungkapan kata selindung hasrat nan di hati
andainya ditafsir terserlah makna yang tersembunyi
renungan mata bukan pandangan biasa

Pandai cover line, yea? Cakap macam-macam, tapi sebenarnya ada benda lain yang nak dicakap. Penat le jugak memikir, 'What's the point of this conversation?'. Rupa2nya, ada hasrat yang nak diluahkan. Suka, ek? Penat main mata, tapi tak faham juga, kan? Jangan2 org yg disukai tu lurus bendul, atau memang tak berfikir ke arah itu.

bertahun handai terjalin hingga waktu ini
gurauan mesra menghiasi masa tika bersama
semakin berputik perasaan ini

Aiseh, kesian. Lama betul 'mesra tapi tak de apa2'. Macam kisah cinta Kuch Kuch Hota Hai la pulak. Bunga2 perasaan tu nak di tunjukkan ke? Atau pendamkan saja? (Ni soalan dari tag board).

kini baru ku sedari selama ini kau ku sayangi
andai bukan itu hakikatnya
mengapa rindu yang kurasa

La... baru sedar ke? Macam tak caya je. Apa beza rindu sebagai kawan dan rindu sebagai kekasih? Atau sebenarnya ada perasaan lain selain rindu? (Teringat artikel sepinggan dosa berulam pahala kat

mungkin tiada ku fahami
tidak dapat ku nafikan lagi
beban rahsia kian membakar diri

Ni pengakuan yang lebih realistik. Kekadang tu memang la suka pada seseorang, tapi tak nak mengaku. Lebih rela pendamkan bunga2 perasaan daripada tunjukkan pada dia. Sudahnya, rasa terbeban. Kalau menyimpan perasaan menjadi satu beban, ada baiknya luahkan pada dia. Dia terima atau tidak, itu lain cerita. Yang penting dapat kurangkan beban. Sanggup ke menatap dia dengan 'bukan pandangan biasa' setiap kali berjumpa? Berapa lama sanggup menafikan apa yang dirasa?

kalimah cinta selongkar renung nan dicipta
mungkinkah dibiar terdampar kasih tak kesampaian
naluri bisik bukannya dambaan cinta

Hok ni pakcik tak berapa nak faham. Tak leh nak ulas. Yang pasti, kalau tak diletupkan ATM, manakan dapat duitnya.

ikhlas kunyatakan
kau yang ku sayangi
kau yang ku cintai
walau tak mampu ku miliki

Part ni pakcik skeptikal sikit. Ikhlas ke? betul ke takde expect apa2 dari pengakuan ikhlas tu? Bukankah akan senyum tak sudah2 kalau si dia kata "Saya pun suka kat awak"? Seikhlasnya, memang ingin cinta tu berbalas, kan? Tapi, kalau dah tau tak mampu nak memiliki si dia, buat apa nak ngabihkan boreh? Kesian dia. Macam letak beban atas dia untuk menunaikan sesuatu yang mustahil.

ingin ku luahkan
mungkin satu hari
kan terbuka pintu hati
dapat jua kau terima
diriku akhirnya

Haa... kan pakcik dah cakap... tak de la ikhlas mana pun, kan? Memang ada menaruh harapan tepuk bersambut, ala2 main sit sit sit, tom tom tom, yes sir no sir one two som. Ape2 je la. Jangan paksa diri sendiri. Realistiklah dalam bercinta. Dan jangan paksa orang lain. Kasihanilah orang yang disukai. Binalah hubungan yang tidak mustahil.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Dare you say it?

This entry is a response to a question from 'anonymus' (banyak benar la org yang bernama Anonymus nih...). Actually, I was thinking about the same thing this morning. Let me reply using a fictional account, and may I emphasise FICTIONAL.


The sound of mobile phone pierced the silence of midnight.
[Hi. U wat pe tu?] He looked at the text on the mobile with a passing interest. Out of having nothing else to do, he replied by injecting a slice of annoyance [Nuthin. Ada pe2 ke?] He didn't have to wait for long before an answer came in.

[Yes, ada sumthin. I miss u la]. He could not believe what he was reading. Totally unexpected. From outside, the moonlight trickled thorough the curtains, into his room. He tilted his head, as if trying to find an answer in the empty space of his room. A sudden chill enveloped him. With heart beating faster, he wrote [Hey... dont main2. If you dont mean it, dont say it]. He hoped the warning would calm him down, more than to deter the text sender.

[I do mean it. I do] The silence in his room began to engulfed him. The silence was explosive, creating a storm in his chest. He decided not to reply. He had no immediate reply. He switched of his phone. And soon, he switched off himself, entering an uneasy sleep.

He saw a face, comfortably familiar, yet profoundly like a stranger. He somehow know that she did not notice his presence. He followed her line of gaze, and was surprised to see her gaze landed on a picture. It was a photograph that he had taken before! He had composed the picture to capture his undefined longings. What surprised him the most was that she looked at the picture as if she understood his undefined longings. It terrifies him. He dared not pull his own gaze from the picture, and back to her eyes.

He woke up when the sun was still below the horizon. When he felt a bit more restful, he switched on the mobile. A logical anticipation, but not too different from a premonition, prepared him to open a new text message.

[I said it because I mean it. How can you mean it, and NOT say it?] Then he knew. He HAD a reply. But he dared not say it.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The Saga of Datuk SRK

The Star
Tuesday October 21, 2008

MALACCA: Bollywood heartthrob Shah Rukh Khan has accepted the Darjah Mulia Seri Melaka (DMSM) award from Yang diPertua Negri (or governor) Tun Mohd Khalil Yaakob, which carries the title of Datuk.

I see. So, the annoucement before was done without SRK having accepted (or known about?) the title?

“Shah Rukh Khan has agreed to accept it and this was conveyed to the Governor’s Office.
“He will try to make it in November but the date of the ceremony has yet to be fixed,” he told reporters

Nice. 'He will try', won't he? If he's busy with something else, don't kecik hati, ok? After this, make sure your hidung is cukup mancung before you sorong-sorongkan pipi.

Photos from Birm trip 18&19 Oct 2008

Ampunkan aku... tapi

"Redup mata mu memandang wajahku
jangan menangis
memang benar dulu kunci hatiku
ada padamu"

This entry is for those who wants to 'melupakan si dia'. I choose to start by quoting from the song, which presents the perspective of 'si dia'. As is clear from the first stanza of this song, he USED to love you. It is not his responsibility anymore if you still have feelings for him, and looking at him with longings in your eyes. There might be scores of other reasons for letting him go, but this one seems persuasive enough.

Now, let's examine the question. Why would you want to 'forget' him? Well, the above song gives a clue. You could still cry whenever you see him, hear his voice, look at all the presents that he gave you. Right? When he called you to talk - just talk - about his problems, probably about his new girlfriend - you still feel as if he had never walked out on you. In other words, you want to move on, but he, and reminders of him, are still around, lingering.

If you agree with this, then I'd like to steer you to another possibility: you don't want to be reminded of him as frequently as before. Right? You want to move on without having to stop now and then to pick up pieces of memories and holding back your tears when does so. If we can agree on this, then I'll rephrase the original question into "What should I do so that I don't remember him as often as before?" That's a question that's easier to answer. And let me try to answer this question using principles of learning developed within behavioristic perspective.

There can be numerous things that can remind you of him. The teddy bear that he gave you on your birthday, the ring tone that was assigned to his number, the picture of both of you at KFC, a key chain, a scarf. These items would trigger your memory of him. And whenever you remember him, you are flooded with negative emotions that you'd rather live without. Your heart beat faster when you hear the ring tone. It used to be a factor cause you to break into a big smile whenever you hear it, coz it means you'll hear his sweet voice. After breaking up, the ring tone only stirs sadness and despair. You have learned to associate the ringtone with negative emotions. Those who has knows their S-R learning can perhaps know where I'm going with this.

The ringtone is a physical stimulus (S). Your memory of him is a mental stimulus. Both are stimulus that can be associated with an emotional response (R) like sadness and despair. You'd experience the emotional response when you are exposed to the stimulus. Just like little Albert who would cry whenever he sees a rat, even though initially he was quite fond of the rat. To simplify things a little bit, lets just say your memory of him is an unconditioned stimulus (CS): it would automatically evoke an emotional response. The ringtone is then the conditioned stimulus (UCS). If you manage to read through this paragraph, well done. If not, you'd not make much sense of the next one.

The solution to our modified problem is to break the association between the CS and the conditioned response (CS). How can it be achieved? Well, you can already see how the ringtone can evoke two different sets of emotions. You're not stuck with it. You can change it. You can try to associate the ring tone to another emotional response. Secondly, one that I personally prefer for its simple practicality, is to REMOVE the offending stimulus. Delete the ringtone! Put the teddy bear in a box, out of your site. Put the keychain somewhere you won't see everyday. Delete his phone number from your phone. Don't pick up when he call or text you. Without the stimulus, you're less likely to experience the response.

You can also learn to discriminate the stimulus that you used to associate with him. Lets say he own a Honda EX5. When in love, everytime you saw a man on ANY motorcycle, you think of him. That's stimulus generalisation. You've learned to associate your emotional reactions with all types of motorcyles. What you need to do after breaking up is stimulus discrimination. He owns only one kapchai. He doesn't own a Ninja, XZR, Gold Wing, and other makes of motorcycles. Why should you 'punish' all other motorcycle? Look at the man riding the Ninja, and appreciate how he is different from your ex. If your lecturer also has a motorcycle, even better. You can associate the motorcycle with a more positve figure. If you decided to 'hate' motorcycle, then hate only that specific motorcycle bearing that 'ugly' number plate.

Anak sungai lagi berubah, inikan pula hati manusia.

Your memory, emotions, hopes, aspiration, and all of life's treasures should not go down when you break up with him. Rebuild a new life. You can change the meanings that you find in the elements that surrounds you. There's so much to be discovered in life. So many stimulus to which we can condition ourselves. I'm not saying that a behavioristic approach would solve everything, but it sure can take care most simple problems. And don't fool yourself into thinking that you, and only you, have a very complicated problem. How much of a somebody are you?

Saturday, October 18, 2008


... jatuh ke riba

Autumn colours

Its not all about red and yellow. Green is also an autumn color.

Pre-Barcelona trip

InsyaAllah, I will be spending the weekend in Birmingham. I was there last Saturday with Nik to meet Irni, my friend's sister, who is moving to Abu Dhabi soon. Together with Zul, her new colleague from Malaysia, we had dinner at a very much full restaurant. The nasi Arab was dlicious, and the portion very generous. We had to tapau what seems like enough to feed another 3 persons to full satiation.

After sending Irni home, there was an impromptu guys' night-out. We had a lovely walk by the canal up to the Bull Ring. Nik had a field day taking pictures, of which I have yet to see uploaded to his Facebook. The night air was chilly, but the scenery made up for it. I could not resist taking a few snaps of my own on my mobile phone, which usually is not so great with night time lighting.

This weekend, I'll be bringing the new DSLR. Hopefully, I would be able to take some better pictures this time around. And perhaps a few pictures of myself to be uploaded on Facebook.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Taking a break

Met my Director of Research just now. She give me some very positive feedback on my performance in the viva session. I'm glad that my knowledge on and around the topic is acknowledged. The quantity of work done was also deemed enough for a PhD. Leganya......

So, after the first year reaching a climax, I'm slowly plodding into the second year. (Has it been one year already? Seems it was like only a few days ago that I hugged you good bye at KLIA). I need to recharge. Buying the DSLR was part of the plan to recharge. I'm going to Barcelona, insyaAllah. I've told Patrick about my plan. He was totally okay with it. He even volunteered to lend me a Barcelona guide book. How kind of him. Barcelona, here I come.

Bulan Mengambang

Alhamdulillah. Semalam langit cerah. Cantik sungguh bulan penuh. Subhanallah. Sejuk angin berpuput, nyamannya sampai ke hati.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Ingin merenung bulan

Hajat di hati malam ini ingin merenung bulan. Menatap penuhnya bulan, luasnya langit. Tapi, hujan di petang hari; membawa mendung di saat bulan mengambil tempatnya di dada langit.

Mendung jugalah di bumi, di dadaku. Gumpal-gumpal kesayuan yang makin memberat tidak terurai menjadi hujan. Ku bawa sarat ke peraduan. Moga tidak lemas sewaktu lena.

Pada muka bulan yang cerah, kuharap dapat menyingkap tirai minda yang kelam. Ingin kubaca kekusutan fikir pada cerah bulan itu. Saat ini aku kehilangan tenang. Tasik damaiku dikocak. Dalam menunggu tenang kembali, pedih digulung ombak. Hilang orientasi diri, dalam mabuk mencari arah.

Jika jawapannya yang semudah itu, mengapa sekuat ini gelombangnya?

Telah lama merenung rumput di laman sendiri, ingin merenung bulan yang tinggi.

Membina Wajah

Imejanku pecah bersepah
bila menggambarkan parasmu
tertindan wajah-wajah
dari arkib memori
belum pernah wajah sejarah
sejenuh ini mengkaburkan
wajah nan baru
Ada apa dengan wajah-wajah itu?
Apa yang kurang bila melihat wajahmu?

Ternyata sukar kubina
sebuah potret yang nyata
dengan rupa dan nama sepadan
di waktu aku berjaga

Akhirnya kubiarkan mimpi
melakonkan kisahnya sendiri
kutemui engkau terbina sempurna
seolah terasa disentuhan
di latar cerita yang tak terfikirkan
sewaktu sedar

Kau kulihat lebih asli
dalam mimpi
tapi ceritera mimpi
tak terjemahkan di siang hari

Monday, October 13, 2008

Longlainya bercinta

Di awal bercinta, macam hilang daya. Motivasi kerja entah ke mana. Gizi dan nutrisi dipandang sepi. Dunia fizikal dan metafizikal bercelaru. Siang tersulam ke jaring malam. Mimpi jadi kelarai di jurai siang. Mencari-cari alasan untuk jumpa dia. Mencari-cari jalan menutup tolol yang tersengih tak kena masa.

Bila cinta berkecai, macam hilang nyawa. Suruh belajar dia melangu. Ke kelas rasa malas. Nikmat hiburan tidak terasa. Teringat-ingat pada dia dan segala peristiwa. Mencari-cari silap diri. Masih lagi tidak percaya kisah cinta ternoktah begitu saja. Mulalah mencari jalan untuk lupakan dia. Balut kesedihan dengan lagu balada. Ubatkan luka dengan menziarah tempat pernah berjumpa.

Longlainya bila bercinta. Bukankan sepatutnya cinta memberikan kudrat supaya lebih kuat. Lebih tekun berusaha. Lebih bersemangat menggilap bakat. Lebih juang untuk cemerlang. Itulah cinta yang produktif namanya.


I’ve been asked questions like, “Sir, macam mana kita nak lupakan orang yang kita sayang? Sebab saya dah break dengan dia.” I owe to these persons a post in my blog. I will address this question later. For the mean time, I’d like to pose: Is that the right question?

I Dare Not

I dare not ask for more
for fear of bloody thunders
drowning out my cerebral voice

All that I would ask
is to be near you
to hear your heart beat
to sooth the ache
of not being in the light
of smiles bright and laughter warm

If I may ask for one more
please place your hand
on my chest. Feel my hearbeat
convince me I still am relatable
to life mysterious and feelings real

I dare not ask for more.
Forgive me if you had expected it.
It is not that I'm running away
but I don't have the strength to stay

I dare not ask for more.

Saturday, October 11, 2008


This is the first picture taken with the new camera. Overall, I'm happy with the quality of the output. I thought the lens would not be wide enough to my liking, so I was happy to be shown otherwise.

Niat - satu terlaksana

Alhamdulillah, salah satu niat yg dipasang telahpun tercapai. Setelah sekian lama mengidam, akhirnya ada juga rezeki memiliki Nikon D80. Ini akan memeriahkan lagi satu niat yang hendak dilaksanakan pada penghujung bulan ini, insyaAllah.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Predecessor that had never existed

  1. Sulama
  2. YourVi
  3. Gen 1
  4. Wawasan 2019
  5. Almost-Free-cycle
  6. BMW 315.9i
  7. so-Sony
  8. Nikoff
  9. Georgevillage, Penang
  10. Milemetrico pen

Datuk Shah Rukh Khan

I'm struggling to find an accurate expletive when I heard the Malacca state is going to honour SRK with Datukship. 

Does he deserve it? From the state of Tamil Nadu, Kerala or Bihar, yes. From Malacca? I don't see an obvious reason for it. Has he been secretly contributing to the development of Malacca? I hope someone will clarify his merit.

Does he even want it? What could possibly a Datukship from Malacca be useful in his career and his life in general? Did he say he's thinking of becoming a Malaysian citizen? Or is it a way to pave his path into Malaysian politics (read: BN) in the hope of gaining Indian votes? A weapon against Hindraf, eh?

Sorry.... can't help being toxically cynical about this. 

Thursday, October 09, 2008

From a politician to a poet

Yeayyyyy!!! After long stuck as a politician, today I managed to climb the wordsmith ladder to be at the same level of poets. This clamour of effort was spurred by Prof Dr Elina. Thanks dear for giving me the motivation to go higher.

Panel Presentation

Phew... just have finished my first panel presentations. Got a number of though questions, and one cute question from a (French?) guy. Overall, the presentation went well. The practice at the lab meeting had its positive effect. I swallowed some words, and re-repeat others in the beginning. Towards the end, I managed to let go and enjoy giving the presentation. Alhamdulillah.

So, the trepidation, anxiety and itching are gone. And I know my sweat glands are working fine.

Open House pictures

Lupa pulak ada gambar open house kat dalam handphone. Here are some scenes on the day.

Kuih muih macam2 jenis. Putu kacang pun ada. Tapi tak leh challenge putu kacang cap lesung.

Anak dara pingitan tuan rumah.

Tiga tetamu dari Kalkotta: Mano, Jyothi, dan Connie. They liked everything. Lepas ni nak bukak kelas memasak untuk depa pulak.

Errr.... yg ni tak de kaitan dgn open house. Mlainkan kalau dapat duit raya yg mencukupi utk beli sebiji. Huhuhhu

Open House

Pada Sabtu, 4hb 9, bertempat di 4 Calke Close, majlis open house telah dianjurkan gandingan 5 serangkai. Menu: meehun tomyam, nasi impit, kuah lodeh, pulut, sambal kelapa, sambal ikan bilis, dan kuih muih. Yours truly menyumbangkan 3 jenis kuih.

Alhamdulillah, majlis berlangsung meriah. Dan inilah wajah2 ceria walau penat di hujung majlis (sebelum berangkat ke open house 3 serangkai).

5 Serangkai dari Malaysia dan Brunei bergabung buat open house di Loughborough. Dua org Very Important Princesses berposing sakan kat barisan depan. Sorang lagi Princess nampak tocang je. Why are you hiding my Princess?

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Buang yang keruh

Di musim hari raya ni, ramai la agaknya yang ambil pendirian utk buang yang keruh dan ambil yang jernih. Mudah2an kejernihan tu berkekalan untuk dibawa ke alam selepas alam dunia nih.

Bermaaf2an tu dianggap sebagai 'buang yang keruh, ambil yg jernih'. Yg gaduh2 dan buat salah tu... maknanya, 'buang yg jernih, ambil yang keruh'. Tak gitu? Ataupun, 'ambil yang keruh, masukkan ke dalam yang jernih'. jenuh le lepas tu kena guna tawas utk jernihkan balik air tu.

Yg aku tahu, ada satu syarikat yang memang kerjanya mengambil air yang keruh, dan melepaskan air yang jernih. Sapa2 yg duduk dekat loji rawatan air memang tahu syarikat yang aku maksudkan ni. Kan... kan?