Friday, April 25, 2008

Roller Coaster Ride

Another week comes to a close. I've been taken through a turbulant roller coaster ride. Hope the weekend bring some more ups rather than down.

Sukar bertemu di ruang nyata
ingin bertemu di ruang rindu.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Cheer up

The brilliance of the colours
may not match the brilliance of joy that I have
but nevertheless
it is nice
to see some kind of brilliance
and able to touch it

Scoping Meeting

Wow! What a wonderful meeting. I'd rarely say that about a meeting. Of course, it wasn't really a meeting, more like an appointment.

This morning, Sue and I went to EMAS HQ in Nottingham to meet the Operations Director. We had an interesting discussion on some research projects.

Now I can see my pathways for my PhD. I can start collecting data as soon as next week!

For today, I have to write a summary of the meeting. Get working!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Your Voice

Was I glad to hear your voice again!
For a moment, I have you close to my chest. Breathing was a conscious effort. At the end, I let go. Exhaling was unwelcomed. There was no relief in the separation. I wait for next time.

Telah Terpasak Kasihku Padamu

Manakah yang dahulu tiba
antara kata atau rasa
mengecilkan jarak antara kita

Mungkinkah terlalu laju lidahku
mendahului hati
yang belum sepenuhnya mengerti
riak yang berlari di hamparan dada

Mungkinkah juga rasa itu yang telah dahulu tiba
lalu merelakan lidah memberitahumu
halusnya gelora yang berkocak
setelah terpesona oleh panas kemesraanmu

Kata telah terucap
rasa telah terzahir
telah kita dirikan rumah di tepi pantai

Lalu bersedialah dilanda ombak rindu
jangan sampai terlantar di darat rajuk

Lalu bersedialah dipuput badai sayu
jangan sampai gelisah di puncak sepi

Di pantai kasih yang kita bina ini
ada ombak yang mencabar kesabaran
ada badai sayu yang menggugat waras
tapi di sini juga ada nyaman matahari
yang memberi kita kekuatan menempuh hari
di sini juga ada kejernihan laut
yang memberi kita kesegaran menggalas cabaran
di sini juga ada persihnya pasir
yang memberi kita laluan menjejak bahagia

telahpun terpasak kasihku padamu.

This was written way way back. Found it somewhere recently.

Menzahir Rasa

turun di pagi ini
buat membasah pipi
saat mata tidak mampu
menzahirkan sedih
yang mengetat di dada

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Erti Kasih

Erti kasih
erti memberi kesayangan bagiku
erti sayang
oh ertinya bermanja-manja denganmu
erti manja
itulah ertinya bercinta nan suci
erti cinta
engkau kan bersamaku
semoga kekal abadi
(Bersamamu, Adam Ahmad)

Adam Ahmad is under-rated in Malaysian music industry. He produced quality songs, and touches people in his own unique way. His most famous song would be Janji Manismu (sung by Aishah) and Kau Pergi Jua. Another song that he wrote and sing is Bersamamu. It is poignant. It tugs at my heart in its simplicity. At his hand, and voice, the cliché words sounds fresh. Let me add a personal reflection on this lyric.

No doubt, love is an important ingredient of a healthy relationship. But what is love? I have, for a long time now, feel that if you love someone, let them be free. If they come back to you, then you know they are meant to be. Love is not about possession. You need to learn to let go. Sacrifice is a part of love.

Why would you sacrifice for the one that you love? There are many reasons. A selfless love, or an unconditional love, means that you love that person enough to do anything for him or her. You’re willing to give. As Ustaz Hasrizal says, erti hidup pada memberi. You’re also willing to withhold your judgement to simply accept him or her. What’s important is to know why you’d make the sacrifices.

The efforts to make the sacrifices are proportional to the motivation behind the sacrifices. The bigger the motivation, the larger the efforts and sacrifices. As a friend advised, there need to be a strong basis for a relationship. For me, this ‘strong basis’ is also the basis for the sacrifices. Love is about accepting and respecting this foundation.

When you accept someone, you have to accept their ‘core’ personality: their principles, aspiration, attitudes, and values. It may take sometime. But, the search is well worth it. If you can’t articulate what’s important to you, you can’t expect people to respect them. And, more important, people won’t know where you are heading. Ke dermaga mana kau ingin berlabuh? When the visions are shared, a mutual understanding is achieved, and you’ll have a solid foundation for a relationship.

If you’re comfortable with that, you have to live with it. There will be conflicts along the way. But, as long as this conflicts are peripheral to the core, you’re willing to make these ‘small’ sacrifices. You’d tolerate their messy eating habit, forgetfulness, or other small defects. You love them for their essence, not for appearance.

Of course, the strongest motivation of all is iman. Love that is based on a strong akidah and iman is the strongest and most pure. How else can you explain Ibrahim a.s. leaving his wife and son in the desert? His love for Allah convinced him that it was the best thing for his family. When you love someone because of Allah, you don’t look at personal defects. You don’t judge them. The basis of judging would be the Quran and Sunnah. You love and hate in accordance with these teachings.

Love is about accepting and respecting a common ground and making sacrifices to preserve its integrity.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

IT Knowledge & Skills

Since starting my PhD at Lboro, here are some IT knowledge and skills that I've picked up.

1) NVivo 7 - a qualitative data analysis software
2) Microsoft Office Project 2003 - I use this to plan my PhD activities
3) MindGenius Education Enterprise 2005 - a mind mapping tool
4) Refworks - references management aid

Friday, April 18, 2008

Ku Kunci Cintaku Di Dalam BMWku

Hatiku telah terbuka untuk membeli kereta. Lebih kurang sejam yang lalu, wang telah bertukar tangan. Tanda 'Sold' dalam kereta tu adalah tanda aku pemiliknya yang baru.

InsyaAllah, minggu depan kereta tu akan sedia untuk diambil.

Harganya? Lebih murah daripada kereta Kancil yang aku pakai di Malaysia.
BMW 316i , 1.6 liter, petrol
Registration year: 1998
Manual transmission

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Waiting to Exhale


Knowing you're all right is such a relief. I can't see you with my own eyes. So, I hope the news that I get is true.

I wait for the day to hear your voice again. I know I'd choke up. I'll borrow your strength.

I'm going to buy you books. Hope you'll like 'em.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

9 Movies: A Tribute to Lufbrarian Floor Managers

1. Madu 3

A full-time researcher moonlights as a janitor. Not satisfied with two jobs, he pursued another attractive part-time job at the department offered by his supervisor. Theme Song: Kekasih Separuh Masa, KRU.

2. The Lord of the Gym: The Fellowship of the Gym

The first installation of a trilogy, this movie tells the beginning of a career of a highly qualified cleaner. He joined a group of similarly qualified cleaners at a gym in their quest to recycle a magical basketball ring.

3. Harry Potter and the Magic Mop

In the tenth of the Harry Potter series, we see a grown up Harry Potter enrolled at Hogsworths College of Witchcraft and Wizardry. To supplant his stipend as a graduate student there, he took up a part time cleaning job. The discovery of a magic mop was followed by a series of adventures as Harry began to discover other dimensions of him.

4. The Chronicles of Narnia; The Lion, The Witch and The Cleaner’s Cupboard

What lurks behind the cleaner’s cupboard? Theme Song: Jerangkung Dalam Almari, Wings.

5. 007: License to Clean

Follow the hero in this movie as he trains to be a fully certified and licensed janitor. Theme Song: Suci Dalam Debu, Iklim

6. 007: Lie Another Day

Our beloved supercool hero resisted the temptation to call in sick. This movie beautifully document his dedication, commitment, and discipline. Theme Song: Oh Carol.

7. E.T. – the Extra-Tidy

The head of Domestic Services encountered an alien with a keen sense of tidiness.
The Song: Mari Mengemas (lagu baru)

8. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Pink Pearl

The pirates were again in an adventure. This time, they tried to find the cure for a curse that was brought about by an improper use of the Pink Pearl. Theme Song: Buih Sabun (lagu kanak-kanak)

9. The Lost World: Jurassic Park

The Park was truly a mess; dinosaur poops are all over the place. A gallant and educated cleaner arrives to save the day. Theme Song: Mari Mengundi

Penantian ...

...satu penyiksaan. Tambah pulak bagi orang yg tak berapa nak cukup sabar macam aku ni. Terasa lambat sangat masa berlalu. Soalan-soalan telahpun ditanya. Jawapan yang ditunggu tak kunjung tiba.

Lalu, pagi ni, aku memutuskan untuk berhenti menunggu. Jika dah jodoh, akan ke tapak tangan ini jua hadirnya. Biarlah masa berlalu tanpa dipaksa-paksa. Tiba masanya, yang kabur menjadi jelas, yang dibayang akan tergambar.

Ku Kunci Cintaku Di Dalam .....

I had beeen battling over an important decision. The decision would impact my current and future standings; emotionally, socially and financially.

But, at last, I opened up. I allowed a room in my heart to be opened.

For two days, I had a strong reason to smile. I felt like a dream. I asked my friend's opinion so that I know it is real.

For two days, I felt alive. It was a mixture of exuberance, pride, disbelief, and thankfulness. Yes, I was thankful even though the presence was an immaterial one; only in my heart. But it was enough to fill me up with positive feelings.

Alas, would it be mine?

Makan Hati

I went to Leicester last week with friends. It was a fun trip. The Saturday morning market is much better than the one at Loughborough.

I bought one salmon head. I planned to make curry with it.

When my friends and I went to a halal meat shop, I got a free bag of liver. Alhamdulillah. I cooked it on the same day for late lunch. It wouldn't please Gordan Ramsey, but good enough for me. So, last week, I makan hati.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

High School Musical 2

My friend's 3 year old daughter would scream when she sees Zac Enfron on tv. How cute. And, recently, I perhaps understood her interest. Not that I find Zac interesting... but his character in the High School Musical is.

I watched HSM part 1 & 2 at a friends' house recently. Their daughter, much older than the 3 years old fan, was clearly a big fan of the movies. She remember the songs and the lines from the movies. Perhaps she did not identify as much with the female characters in the movies in terms of their adoration for Zac. I find the adoration very much intriguing.

In HSM2, Zac worked at a resort; owned by his schoolmate's father. She, being the rich and powerful girl, try to have Zac for herself. It was very clear that Zac's heart belong to someone else, as can be seen in HSM1. But, she was persistant. And she's using her resources to get her man. In other words, she's manipulative.

For example, she asked Zac to teach her at the driving range eventhough she can swing with the best of the golf club members. The teaching session, of course, included touchings. She also put Zac on the spot to force him to sing with her in a talent competition at the resort. Zac stands to get a college scholarship if he go along with her 'suggestions'.

Now, what does this has to do with me?

No, I'm not suggesting that I'm as physically attractive as Zac. And, no, I don't have a rich girl clinging to my arm. And I certainly can't sing half as good as Zac.

If Zac is sitting in front of me, I can tell him how I sort of understand his feelings in relation to this girl. He feels trapped; in between being nice and being a heartbreaker. To add to the complication, he's nice because of two reasons: 1) he is a genuinely a nice person, 2) he don't want to offend people who are nice, albeit manipulative, to him. He can't pretend to have feelings beyond 'nice' for this girl. But, his niceness might backfire if the girl accuse him of leading him on. Can he be blamed if the girl think he's in love with her?

Well, if the point that I'm trying to make is not clear yet, its ok. I have deliberately digress the way many journalists do. Their first paragraph usually has little to do with the actual content of their piece. It makes me wonder if I'm becoming more British now in terms of my writing. I'm digressing again.

Before I repeat the offence, let me point the point that I want to make: I DON'T want to get married any time soon!!!!!!! Nor do i want to start any romantic relationship with anyone. I just want to be nice. That's enough.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Working Titles

Chronological changes to the working title of my PhD

1) Extended Situational Awareness and Resilience in Healthcare Systems
- after attending Erik Hollnagel's seminar on resilience engineering
- this is also the title of a paper presented at a Colloquium in Bangkok
- the same title was used for proposals forwarded to Loughborough University and IIUM for PhD application

2) Team Situation Awareness in Healthcare
-based on the first two parts of my literature review
-resilience is dropped; 'extended' is changed into 'team'

3) Team Situation Awareness among Emergency Care Practitioners
- based on a discussion with my SVs and Dr Ken Catchpole

4) Situation Awareness to support the shift from Emergency Cara Transport to Mobile Emergency Care
- this title came up yesterday as I listened to a presentation by my second SV

I wonder what number 5, 6, 7, and so on would be like ...


Moga ada husnul khatimah untuk opah
ampun maaf dari cucu di perantauan

Monday, April 07, 2008


Gestalt's law of perception would predicts that people have difficulty understanding this signage. The principle of proximity would 'force' people to group the two separate elements together to be perceived as one unit of information. Therefore, people looking for the toilet would do a double take at this sign. Is it for a toilet, or a seminar room?
In fact, there were at least two women who were confused with this sign. I witnessed their confusion, and fully sympatise.


Done. Completed. Tired.

I spend Sunday to Thursday in Nottingham. The Ergonomics Society's annual conference was a success. I was glad to be a part of the team that ran the conference.

I'm still counting the benefits from attending the conference. One of the benefit is a huge boost of nutrients to the idea that has been gestating for sometime now. I hope to give birth to the idea soon.

My denotative nutrient came free all week last week. Back from the conference, I had meals at three different house in as many days. Alhamdulillah.

Here's what I had at the conference dinner.


You're with me
everywhere I go
I hear your laughter
I feel the warmth of your voice
as I leave a single trail of footsteps
on the snow
I scale new height
daring myself to go higher
and I want to meet you
on the peak
we can laugh
and make takbir
that we have made it

White & Pure

It is visible
on the snow
and only God know
its place in my heart

I have it for you
when it melts
I can feel you
on my fingertips