Ampunkan aku... tapi

"Redup mata mu memandang wajahku
jangan menangis
memang benar dulu kunci hatiku
ada padamu"

This entry is for those who wants to 'melupakan si dia'. I choose to start by quoting from the song, which presents the perspective of 'si dia'. As is clear from the first stanza of this song, he USED to love you. It is not his responsibility anymore if you still have feelings for him, and looking at him with longings in your eyes. There might be scores of other reasons for letting him go, but this one seems persuasive enough.

Now, let's examine the question. Why would you want to 'forget' him? Well, the above song gives a clue. You could still cry whenever you see him, hear his voice, look at all the presents that he gave you. Right? When he called you to talk - just talk - about his problems, probably about his new girlfriend - you still feel as if he had never walked out on you. In other words, you want to move on, but he, and reminders of him, are still around, lingering.

If you agree with this, then I'd like to steer you to another possibility: you don't want to be reminded of him as frequently as before. Right? You want to move on without having to stop now and then to pick up pieces of memories and holding back your tears when does so. If we can agree on this, then I'll rephrase the original question into "What should I do so that I don't remember him as often as before?" That's a question that's easier to answer. And let me try to answer this question using principles of learning developed within behavioristic perspective.

There can be numerous things that can remind you of him. The teddy bear that he gave you on your birthday, the ring tone that was assigned to his number, the picture of both of you at KFC, a key chain, a scarf. These items would trigger your memory of him. And whenever you remember him, you are flooded with negative emotions that you'd rather live without. Your heart beat faster when you hear the ring tone. It used to be a factor cause you to break into a big smile whenever you hear it, coz it means you'll hear his sweet voice. After breaking up, the ring tone only stirs sadness and despair. You have learned to associate the ringtone with negative emotions. Those who has knows their S-R learning can perhaps know where I'm going with this.

The ringtone is a physical stimulus (S). Your memory of him is a mental stimulus. Both are stimulus that can be associated with an emotional response (R) like sadness and despair. You'd experience the emotional response when you are exposed to the stimulus. Just like little Albert who would cry whenever he sees a rat, even though initially he was quite fond of the rat. To simplify things a little bit, lets just say your memory of him is an unconditioned stimulus (CS): it would automatically evoke an emotional response. The ringtone is then the conditioned stimulus (UCS). If you manage to read through this paragraph, well done. If not, you'd not make much sense of the next one.

The solution to our modified problem is to break the association between the CS and the conditioned response (CS). How can it be achieved? Well, you can already see how the ringtone can evoke two different sets of emotions. You're not stuck with it. You can change it. You can try to associate the ring tone to another emotional response. Secondly, one that I personally prefer for its simple practicality, is to REMOVE the offending stimulus. Delete the ringtone! Put the teddy bear in a box, out of your site. Put the keychain somewhere you won't see everyday. Delete his phone number from your phone. Don't pick up when he call or text you. Without the stimulus, you're less likely to experience the response.

You can also learn to discriminate the stimulus that you used to associate with him. Lets say he own a Honda EX5. When in love, everytime you saw a man on ANY motorcycle, you think of him. That's stimulus generalisation. You've learned to associate your emotional reactions with all types of motorcyles. What you need to do after breaking up is stimulus discrimination. He owns only one kapchai. He doesn't own a Ninja, XZR, Gold Wing, and other makes of motorcycles. Why should you 'punish' all other motorcycle? Look at the man riding the Ninja, and appreciate how he is different from your ex. If your lecturer also has a motorcycle, even better. You can associate the motorcycle with a more positve figure. If you decided to 'hate' motorcycle, then hate only that specific motorcycle bearing that 'ugly' number plate.

Anak sungai lagi berubah, inikan pula hati manusia.

Your memory, emotions, hopes, aspiration, and all of life's treasures should not go down when you break up with him. Rebuild a new life. You can change the meanings that you find in the elements that surrounds you. There's so much to be discovered in life. So many stimulus to which we can condition ourselves. I'm not saying that a behavioristic approach would solve everything, but it sure can take care most simple problems. And don't fool yourself into thinking that you, and only you, have a very complicated problem. How much of a somebody are you?